How to be a Nigerian woman

First off, I must thank you because you have decided to learn a few tricks about being a woman. Most Nigerian women are often loathe to topics such as this. Conversations that teach them how to be better are often met with disgust and a strong detest. They refuse to listen to the voice of reason and sound opinion, well, except you’re their father in the Lord or spiritual leader, as the case my be.

With social media becoming an increasingly important part of our lives, it is not uncommon to find women leaving their husbands in search of happiness — such a sad and disturbing move really. In this article, you’ll find all the answers you need as a woman to stay happy, the guideline to handling men, and every other panacea you seek to questions that arise about being a Nigerian woman.

1. The Nigerian woman sees relationship as a business venture/opportunity.

When that man says he likes you and wants something more serious and intimate with you, do not be deceived — men are scum. He is a liar created by the devil and is only trying to sway you with those stupid poetic proclamations of love. These Nigerian men only see the space between your thighs, don’t be fooled.

First off, you must do small shakara even if you like him. It is very necessary. Tell him you’ll think about it. Don’t rush into nodding your head like an agama lizard. Don’t give him a response until after three weeks. You need to be certain he is very serious.

When and if you eventually agree, you must wreck him dry. He is your new ATM; never out of cash. Always dispensing. He must foot all your bills, after all did you beg him to ask you to be his? He must pay your school fees, book you first class flights, even if your mother has never smelt the inside of an Uber taxi. He must stock up your fridge and even give you money to make your hair.

Remember also that your mother barely has two coins to rub together, and she’s married to your father who cannot even buy lace for his shoes, so he uses the thread from the worn-out rug in the sitting room. Remember that your father has warned you never to bring a poor man home. So, you must realize that relationships are not one nonsensical romantic affair as they portray in those Tarantino movies. As a Nigerian woman, relationships for you are business ventures.

P.S: I have refrained from saying boys, because boys are poor idiots. Boys are undergraduates, fresh graduates, corpers. They have nothing in currency to offer. Avoid them.

2. A date for two is a party for friends.

So, that young man has asked you out on a date. Unimportant things are you being concerned about your dress and make-up (although you should look good). Your major focus should be calling your friends and asking them if they will accompany you to the date. Make sure you let the date fall between the hours of 7pm – 10pm so your friends can be free of their daily engagements. Once the time is settled, get your clique to follow you to the date, because who doesn’t like free food!

Be less concerned if the young man you’re going to meet is a corper who has not been paid his allawee. Once there, order more than you can eat. Encourage your friends to do the same and have some to takeaway. A true Nigerian woman knows that dates are a good place to get free food, not to know you better or anything of such.

3. Feminism and gender equality.

A true Nigerian woman knows that her stance on feminism must be warped and inconceivably hard to decipher. We all know that men are scum and are never up to any good, feminism is your weapon to fight this. For example, when there is an argument about who’s better between Wizkid and Olamide on Twitter, write that all this shows is how male-dominated the industry is, and how women are never given a leeway to push their craft, even though the argument about who is better between Tiwa Savage and Simi is trending.

Tweet about how horny you are and wouldn’t mind fucking your gateman’s 18-year-old son but let all hell loose about a 30 year old man dating a 22 years old girl. Why? She’s too young. It is rape! Yes, we love the double standards.

Tell your students and listeners that you do not care about your husband’s opinion and you’re an independent woman, but beg him to let you sleep on the bed and not on the kitchen floor. Tweet that feminism and gender equality but refuse to drop your purse for family upkeep. You live in a man’s world. Why should you have to give part of your money to run your home? Men are scum indeed!

I’ll let you digest this info. for now.